Vote!

*edited - the results are in*

Today is municipal vote day where I live, and I don’t know about you, but I’m voting. (I hope you are too, if applicable) The incumbant in my area has gotta go. He is one of the good ol’ boys who had a nice run under mayor quimby – I mean, lastman – but it is time to see the changing of the guard.

But I gotta say – while I might know who I want for mayor, the city councillor choice in my area is not an easy one. I used to live in a riding where I helped elect in a fresh-faced, do-gooding, way left-leaning nice young man who cared about the things I do. Three years later that same young man is not so fresh-faced, and seems to have been well worn down by the half dozen committees he is on, and probably just from the gigantic amount of red tape, juvenile shenanigans and rhetoric one has to wade through to get anything at all accomplished at the municipal level. But at least I know he has tried. Hopefully he gets in again. Alas, it won’t do my corner of the woods all that much good.

I get to choose from the aforementioned good ol boy, and the second choice of the left leaning party, as their first choice decided to run elsewhere. The other candidates have afforded themselves so little visibility that I would not even recognize their names on the ballot. I have taken it upon myself to try to learn more, but they have so little faith in their chances of being eleccted that they have not even set up a website. Not even a blog. So, we’re down to two.

Should it be the good ol’ boy or the second choice? Really, I pretty much know who I’ll vote for, so let me turn this into less of a debate and more of a story. Let’s call the story:

How I Managed to Run Two Politicians Off: A Case Study

Or, if that’s not catchy enough:

Politicians Are Scared of Me

Yes, let’s go with the latter.

So, like I said, well in advance of voting day, I like to know what I’m in for. I do my homework. Sometimes, in order to get an A+ on my homework (or at least a gold star), you have to ask clarifying questions. So I do. (all questions have been paraphrased for your entertainment)

For the Good Ol’ Boy:
(asked via email, approx. 4 months in advance of polls)

Dear Fat Lazy Incumbent That Has Done Nothing To Earn His Paycheque Except Play Croquinolt With The Local Kiwanis And Maybe Judge a Pie Eating Contest At Last Year’s Canada Day Celebration,

Dogs piss where my baby plays despite no less than 6 signs touting the by-law warning that dogs are not allowed in the fenced-in park.

What are you gonna do about it?

Sincerely, someone who pays a lot of taxes in your ward.


For the Second Choice
(asked via email approx. 1 month in advance of the polls)

Dear Marginally Left-Leaning Second Choice Candidate That Will Probably Be Elected Simply Because You Are of the Same Nationality As Most of the People In This Ward (but at least you are a marginally left-leaning woman),

Subway Stations in Your Ward: 6
Subway Stations with Elevators in Your Ward: 0
Number of Times I Took the Subway with My Baby While On Mat Leave After the First Time When Not Even the Escalator Was Working And It Took 10 Minutes for Someone to Offer To Help Me Shlep the Fucking Stroller Up the Stairs: 0

What are you gonna do about it?

Sincerely, someone who pays a lot of taxes in your ward.


No, no, that wasn’t the part where I scare the politicians. It was when they came round to muster up support for their vote that I scared them.

I scared the Good Ol’ Boy when he came to my door last week. We chat for a minute, I listen to his spiel and then inform him that he never answered my email. He apologizes, and says that it is a very busy time. I tell him that I sent the email in the summer. (he backs away, to the top step leading off the porch) We discuss my issue. He tells me that by-laws are rarely enforced. So why have them? I ask. (he takes another step) As a code of conduct, he says. but nobody’s listening, I say. (one more step) Well, you have to complain first, he says. Well, I did, to you, I say. (he’s on ground level) Well, he says, I’ll look into it; we understand your problem and hear what you’re saying – goodbye! (he’s gone)

Chris is laughing at the emply porch and impressed at my prowess at getting rid of politicians. One down.

I didn’t get to scare the Left-Leaning Second Choice in person, but I scared one of her people when they called. they tried to tell me how wonderful their candidate was, and I responded by basically reciting her CV so that they know that I know my shit and tell her I already emailed. I get the ‘busy time, yada yada’ speech, and just ask her what her candidate’s plan to increase TTC accesibility in her ward is. Oh, well, she’s very much in favour of accessibility on the TTC; very much in favour! (this late in the game I’m convinced that she’d be in favour of better benefits for blind monkey fruit merchants if it would get her a vote) But what is her plan?, I ask. Well, she’s very much in favour, thank you for time, ok see you at the polls! Click.

Chris is laughing again. Two down.

I got a chance to scare the Good Ol’ Boy regime again when one of his people came to the door yesterday, attempting to leave a doorknob flyer on my doorknob. ‘Hi!’ I say, pulling open the door. He stammers a greeting, clearly not expecting to talk to anybody, and tries to shove the flier in my hand. He wants to know if they can count on my vote. ‘Well, you can count on me voting, but probably not for the Good Ol’ Boy. Plus, that’s a ‘No Flyers Please’ sign, so you can have this back.’ He leaves. Quickly. Chris laughs.

This is a fun game. Too bad it ends tonight, when I do my civic duty and decide which pussy to vote for.

*well, we got our mayor, but the good ol' boy won by a measly 20 votes.*