tick tock...

So, for the first time since bumblebee was born, I’ve been really, truly thinking hard about a) if we’re going to have a #2, and b) when.

I think it’s because my big sis and me have such an amazing, close relationship. We have the relationship that I would hope bumblebee would have with a sibling, and we are 22 months apart. In order for bumblebee to have a sibling 22 months younger than her, I’d have to be up the stick. Now. Pronto. Of course, I have an awesome relationship with little sis as well, and she's 10 years younger - too much time?

For 13 months, I would say, when asked, ‘oh yeah, we want two.’ But it was easy to say that when bumblebee was so new and I hadn’t even gotten my period back. (another super-duper benefit of breastfeeding – nothing til bumblebee was 10 months old – that’s almost TWO YEARS without it gals!)

Now, if I say it, I’m supposed to, gulp, mean it.

And the prospect of a second is even scarier than the reality that I was pregnant with the first. It’s like that, everything is spinning, I can’t quite grab a handhold, and oh shit I really really have to do this, kind of scary.

And I loved being pregnant, during those romantic, soft-lighting moments, when baby would stir and I would lovingly rub my little bee and marvel at my womanly, capable body.

The rest of the time I was puking. Or nauseous. And I had heartburn. And I’m five-foot-nuthin and I put on 40 pounds. And I had round-ligament pain (we called it shaky-leg syndrome). And I was tired ALL the time. Or I couldn’t sleep at all. And I was bossy (ok, bossier). And my husband ran around the downtown core for 2 hours one night because it was really late and I had to, had to, had to have a subway rib sub (wtf?). And then I only ate half because I was nauseous again. And once I sat on the floor so that my little sis could play with my hair, and I couldn’t get up again! And when I called hubs to come help me, he said, ‘don’t call me, call greenpeace.’

Don’t worry, I was laughing. He’s a cute joker and I love him for it. And he helped me up and then went to get me a dairy queen skor blizzard, so maybe I put on 40 pounds for a reason.

Surprisingly, childbirth was ok. I had a great attitude going in, I don’t believe in the medicalization of birth (I’m not judging anybody. Every woman does what she has to. It’s the system I hate, man. Ok, I’ll just stop there and post on it another time), and I was lucky. Bumblebee was born at home, sans medication, and my labour was, when push came to shove (ha!) about 5 hours long. Don’t be hatin’.

So, I’d trade 40 weeks of the unknown for one day of tremendous pain. And then maybe bumblebee would have a sib.

But there are, of course, other unknowns that I am afraid of. Just a few:

· Health of the baby and me (I’m only 31, but I still think that you can’t take it for granted that everything will be fine).

· Temperament of the baby. Bee is so good. What if the next one is more than I can handle?

· My relationship with hubby. This year hasn’t been easy on us. We love each other, but there were lots of times that we did not treat each other so nicely. Our expectations of each other had to go through a major overhaul (for the better), and that’s not easy when you are delirious with new-parent stress.

· I love our childcare situation, and do not want to have to figure out what to do with 2 babies.

· That a formerly body-conscious, skinny girl will never recover from another pregnancy. (shallow, I know, but I’m not asking to be a size two. And you know you think it too.)

· That we can’t love two the same way we love one.

· That we won’t be able to afford to give two the things we want to be able to give them (education, a boost when they are ready to go out on their own, lessons that they might want, etc.).

· I am Jewish, but I don’t believe in circumcision. If we have a boy… that’s another post for sure.

So, now what. Do I have to put up or shut up? Bee still breastfeeds – isn’t it better to just go through it again now, knowing that I’ll have my body back in a few more years, or do I wait for her to wean, enjoy not having someone constantly attached to me and then give it up again? Would I be able to?

Hubs is open for anything. I think he wants one soon, more than I even do. Most likely he wants the baby-makin. The first time around, it took 6 months on the shit-happens plan. He likey.

I don’t know. I’m a yid. It was really hard to give up cream cheese and lox for 9 months. Is another baby really worth that?