Tiger, Tiger Woods, Y’all

Ready for a good laugh? I golfed yesterday. If you are wondering why that is funny, than certainly you have never seen me play. Or do much of anything athletic for that matter, since beyond yoga and frisbee, I am about as athletic as a… well something that is not lazy but is certainly not athletic. A little help here? It’s early and I was up late, so the metaphors are coming about as quickly as your tax return when they owe you. (see? No good. I’m getting coffee.)

Mmm. Coffee. As athletic as a badger. You know, industrious, but not so good with the golf clubs. Yeah, thanks for your help.

Marrying my hubs, there was practically a golf-playing clause. He doesn’t particularly like the game, but his whole family is nuts about it. My in-laws have made playing golf practically their full-time job since retiring (at age 52 – please god, let that happen to me) a couple of years ago. I know that they are disappointed that we don’t join them more often. I would like to, but I can’t seem to get past that ‘hey, I really suck at this’ phase.

Funny game, golf. Nothing I could say about the actual game could possibly be funnier or more apt than Robin Williams’ take on it in Live on Broadway. Rent it, you’ll thank me.

So anyway, we played foursomes, and thankfully, mine was a tolerant and patient gang, comprised of myself (the badger); one of the marketing directors, who’s not good enough to be annoyed by my lack of talent on the links; dw, credit queen – a decent but flukey player who was more interested in making retarded jokes about balls, sacks, forms and poking it in (I’m so stupid, I was laughing so much) than in improving her game; and our faithful ringer, rh. Rh plays golf, and plays really, really well. And like most of the really good players I know, wants others to play well, and is more than happy to (try) to help. Rh is a good teacher. He’s also full of bravado and not very humble, so when he gets all helpy and concerned and turns into a sensitive boy it’s really cute. Um, sorry ‘bout your loser team.

Most importantly, I drive the cart. You should see me drive the cart. My prowess in cart-driving is not to be beaten. I push that puppy to 25 klicks, and small forest animals run for cover. Bends, hills, turns, bridges, gravel – I leave em all in the dust. We had only one small mishap all afternoon, and that was due to common driver error – multitasking. I was trying to write down a score, point to a bunny, fish my ball out of the cup-holder, swig some brew and drive all at the same time. Anyway, those planters were ugly.

So, where were we? Oh yeah, getting hamm – I mean golfing. We played a scramble, so seriously little pressure. I had only to hit one good drive off the tee. Then I could just be a little badger, running back to the cart for a new club, smelling pretty flowers, making sure everybody stayed hydrated, scouting for trees to pee behind – seriously, you put beer on the course but no bathrooms? I guess the guys could care less if a tree is wide enough to hide their heinie. Golf is so all about the testosterone.

I know, I know, back to the golf. You can see why my game does not improve. Seriously tho, I did try. I tried hard. Those who know me can attest to how competitive I am. I do not like to do things poorly, which probably accounts for the irreverence I show towards the game. Plus, I never know what stick to use.

Did I seriously just call it a stick?

Embarassing admission: my game improved greatly (a relative term here) when I realized I am a left-handed player. Goofy foot! Who knew? Luckily, rh is left-handed, so he let me use his clubs for the remainder of the game.

Team Highlights:
- birdie-ing 2 holes
- bogeying 2 holes
- my 106 yard drive (whoo-hoo!), of course not off the tee and not at the longest drive hole, but at least I kept it out of the drink
- 2 bunnies (there was a deer, but I missed it)
- watching a dog eat a chipmunk (I swear. It was so ‘wild kingdom’. Disturbing.)
- finishing before the sun completely set

Our team did not win, but rh won closest to the pin. Whatever that means. I did, however have a great time, on the course, at the dinner, but most importantly, driving the cart.

But, we got home really late, I had to get up really early, and now I’m kinda brain dead. Hubs is going to tai chi tonight, so it’s all about me and bee. I’m happy because I missed her like crazy, not seeing her for more than 5 minutes yesterday, but I’m going to have a hard time keeping up.
Even badgers get tired.


Completely unrelated p.s. – I love that george w. recently called our loser pm ‘steve!’ ol’ stevie’s so new that people hardly even recognize his picture yet, but georgie’s already on a nick-name basis with him. I guess that’s what happens when you sell your soul (and that of your country) for a shitty softwood lumber deal! Go steve!